Don't waste your time with marriage or couples counseling that is a predictor of divorce-instead dive in and find out what the experts know about how we can make a marriage, gay or straight, a long lasting happy one.
You know when it is NOT working-but do you know what is known to work? OR how to make marriage work? This is totally learnable!!!
And speaking from personal experience as well as professional-we are talking about that big "Aha" moment that makes you run, not walk back to your partner and make your changes on the spot! I can also see it on someone's face when they get that wide eyed blank stare and then tell me how their prior divorce had not made very good sense till learning these facts about happy or divorcing couples.
Did you know there are early divorcers that can be predicted with a very high accuracy in their honeymoon stage!!! ? That goes for later divorcers and the long term happy marriages to be as well. It is not luck, or unknown-there are teams that have been studying this for decades in intense detail down to the blood pressure rate during discussion between honeymooners.
I could hardly believe that I -your couples coach was on one of those divorce paths myself when I first heard Dr. Gottman deliver his new findings to an international psychotherapy conference of all the living legends over 10 years ago. The reason it was hard to believe is that I had a happy marriage and others commented on how lovely we seemed together too. But the kind of later divorcer behavior I was doing is out of a benign neglect-something that seems harmless and makes perfect sense in the moment to the one doing it (that would be me, ya-your couples coach!). It is called by the experts "Turning Away," and is a small thing that adds up to a big later divorce-yuck!
I felt so justified in my little moments of turning away that it was shocking to realize how off the beam I was-I mean sobbing-my-eyes-out kind of shocking to think I would have crashed the marriage down the road without realizing what I was doing.
Here is an example of turning away: silence instead of a response to a partner's question or statement. And you KNOW what it is that is going through your mind: "Can't he see that I am busy?" Here is an easy solution : REACT. "Mm hmm, " " Oh," "Really?" Doesn't sound so complicated, does it? It builds up that positive feeling in the other that without it means it depletes all that positive regard for you. Eventually your partner will give up and stop turning toward you in the small ways-and uh oh-that leads to the big ways too. Instead become someone who "Turns Toward." That is an easy one to fix-start today!
Do you know what facial expression is associated with an emotional poison deadly to relationships? I bet you could guess. It has a few details that determine whether it is that kind of poison or not-but once you learn about it-you can catch yourself and not make it part of your basic style of relating. And even better-you can use it as a clue-that there is something that needs a bit of coaching between you. It is a smirk and the double whammy is the smirk with an eye roll! Stop it-it is poison! Do you really mean to say your partner is disgusting and stupid? Well if so then maybe you could join the Peace Corps for a refreshing change, but otherwise stop sending that message.
Maybe it is reromanticizing you need? Remember that feeling, those thoughts you had when you were first dating-this is one level of change that is totally doable. We are not talking just about flowers-but bringing back old good habits of those mouth watering anticipations, recalling all the things you love about each other, chatting together about some good times over and over and over again....rehearsing positive thoughts about each other-with real life examples. Another name for it is affirmations. You can use weeks of couples affirmations -a different one each day that is going to exercise that feeling of fondness till it is strong again.
If you have a therapist or coach that is well versed with the research done by world renowned leader in the field, Dr. John Gottman, and knows how to apply couples coaching you are well on your way!
When you're done here, go see a short video of the science of marriage top expert himself with a clue in one minute and 20 seconds about what positive to negative ratio there is in divorce vs happy marriages. When you hear what he is saying, remember he is talking about a ratio during conflict. It is much different during everyday non conflict communication. Many clues not just that one are in this short clip-see if you can hear them yourself. See Dr. Gottman video now
If you are looking for a way to increase that positivity-let me know and I will help you with that. Happy couples do very specific kinds of things in their thoughts, talk and what to do with each other to create this positive climate. I will say more about this here next time.
Save this site in your favorites-as it is under construction. I will eventually figure out how to get all of this off one scrolling page too-have patience-and look forward to couples coaching to much happiness!
If you can't wait for input-you can set up a secured online chat appt at www.mytherapynet.com. Sign up at that site and search for Batts in the therapist/coach search window-you will see my picture, read the bio, and can make an online appt and I can provide couples coaching by live secured chat geared just for you.
Be back soon,
Shannon
mycouplescoach.com
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